30 Day Challenge - Day 1

The New Hope Women’s Retreat ended today.  We met at Skycroft in Middletown, Maryland.  It was a beautiful location!  The time away seemed to fly by, but our speaker, Sharon Glasgow gave us a lot of information in a short period of time. 

Her 30 day challenge was to read John 17: 20-26, Ephesians 1: 15-23, and Ephesians 3:14-21 and also fast from something for 30 days.  I remember previously doing this with my small group and just being amazed at what God revealed through these verses.  

• Jesus' last will and testament before he was crucified was to pray for me. (John 17:20)
• God loves me with the same love that he loves his son, Jesus. (John 17:26)
• The same power that God used to raise Jesus from the dead is available to believers. (Eph. 1:19-20)
• Jesus fills all my needs in every way. (Eph. 1:23)
• Jesus' love for us is unfathomable. (Eph. 3:17-19)
• God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power (that same power that raised Jesus from the dead!) that is at work within us. (Eph. 3:20)

Not only that, but Sharon taught us so much!  She taught us that we have power in the name of Jesus to do great and mighty things!  John 14:12-14 says that we will do even greater things than what Jesus performed during His ministry and that whatever we ask in His name we will receive!  WOW!  I am excited to see what God will do and I will pray as to what I need to fast from.

Thank you, Jesus, for already answering so many prayers this weekend!  The few ladies who were uncertain of attending decided to come – and later determined that Satan was attempting to keep them away!  We learned so many lessons on how to fight viciously! 

Jesus also answered the prayer for safe travels and good weather!  One woman who got in an accident on the way to the retreat arrived shaken, but uninjured!  We were able to have the bonfire because it wasn't raining as forecasted!  God, you are good!

I'm Not Who I Was

Today, I was reminded that what I've done in the past never really goes away. I have been learning so much and trying to give all my focus to God. Every morning, I pour my heart out to Him and ask Him for guidance, wisdom and the ability to love others like He loves me.

Yet, old friends know the old me. They bring up things that the old me would have enjoyed. They remind me that the old me existed. Unfortunately, they announce my old habits to my new friends.

So, I've been struggling tonight. I will go out on a limb here and admit that I talk to myself (sad, but true). I had 5 "mock" conversations where I was either trying to explain my actions to my new friends, trying to explain to my old friends that I've changed, trying to explain to other old friends that I wasn't lying - with God's help, I am changing.

Then I realized as I cut up veggies for homemade salsa (YUM!) I was trying to control a situation I had no control over. What's done is done. I have to give this to God. He owns my past, present, and future. I know I haven't consistently lived in a way that honors Him and brings Him joy. Thankfully, He loves me regardless of my past! It is only by His grace, forgiveness and unconditional love that I am the person I am now.

I have to give up control because if someone is going to judge me for what I've done in the past, they weren't a real friend to begin with. If God ordains it, nothing I say or do is going to jeopardize it. He can change someone's heart in an instant.

Here is an awesome video of "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath. These are real people who have been changed too! God is good! :)

                          

"The thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about"
- "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath

Extreme Measures

I am blessed that God understands me. He is patient with me. He knows (oh, how He knows), that I need to hear repeatedly that He wants me to do something before I make an attempt to do it. On one hand, I do want confirmation that it is God leading me to make a change in my life. On the other hand, it is pure stubbornness.

In my never-ending quest to get my finances in order, I see the glory and joy of giving. I see how even if I can’t go (or am not called to go) to far-away places to minister to others, I can be a part of the ministry by supporting them financially or donating items. I want to give my income away. God has blessed me with everything I need and I want to do this for others.

Yet, poor financial decisions in the past have left me strapped with several large debts. For years, I have been following Dave Ramsey’s book, “Total Money Makeover” to attempt to live like no one else (frugal), so one day I will live like no one else (financially independent). It is so simple and logical, yet it is challenging. He provides reasons we believe certain money myths that seem to be widely accepted. Then he challenges the wide path, “If debt is normal, I want to be WEIRD.” I’m sure on many levels, I've already succeeded in this feat, but I want to be financially weird too!

Last week, I was analyzing my budget and looking for ways to cut back my spending. I found a few quick fixes, but to be honest, some of the cuts seemed a bit harsh. I used to justify my budget by saying, “Anything is possible if you budget for it!” This is true, but what are my priorities? Where is my treasure being built? Why can’t I contribute the amount of money I want to for good causes?

Matthew 6:21 (NIV) For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

There was only 1 thing in my budget that stood out like a sore thumb. My cable bill. I figured it was because I gave TV up for Lent. It would have been nice to cut the bill while I wasn't watching it. Trying to be sensitive to what God is saying to me, I was praying for direction on whether or not He was actually leading me to give up TV. One day, I was driving to work and praying about this. Not 10 minutes later, the radio station told the story of a couple that gave up TV over 10 years ago and they claimed it was the best decision they made next to getting married! Really, Jesus? Really???

I attempted to look up the article online when I got to work, but I couldn't find it. So, I took a chance and emailed the DJ to ask for the link. Before I sent the email, I asked God for a prompt reply because I’m sure they are busy. Within 5 minutes, I had a response from the actual DJ with the link in my inbox. He wished me luck. *Gulp*

As a result, I am praying about giving up TV for good. At least for now. I hope it’s not forever, but that is up to God. This process started small and just grew exponentially. It started out as a sacrifice for Lent. 40 days, I could do that. Plus, I had so many things that needed my attention and it seemed like a logical sacrifice once it came to mind. The first few days flew by because I was being so productive. I was getting more sleep, finishing tasks, and really focusing on my goals for 2012. Then God started working on my heart somewhere in week 2-3. I believe that is what Lent is all about, focusing on our depravity and realizing our need for a Savior. Who would have thought that TV was the hindrance from this knowledge?

During the 4th Sunday of Lent, God smacked me upside the head. I realized that watching TV was making me want things I didn't have. Within 6 hours of watching TV as my “celebration day"*, I was devastated that I was single, and modeling the romance I desired after an affair in one of my favorite shows. WHAT?!?!? I immediately deleted that show from my DVR and went to bed. I don’t know if I dreamed about the show or just woke up thinking about it, but it was on my mind immediately this morning. I felt like I had taken 5 steps backwards since Sunday morning. Could TV really have that much impact on my life?

I never stopped praying about this because I think I knew the answer but I was afraid to take the final step to cut the ties. The last straw was when a close friend posted a question on Facebook about Roku boxes as an alternative to cable. Ok, Ok, I hear you, Lord. Four confirmations were enough, my cable service has been cancelled.

I look forward to that day where I don’t have to skimp and save to be generous to supporting God’s work. For now, I choose to follow Jesus’ guidance by listening for His still, small voice and fixing my eyes on Him. I know that He will continue to provide for all my needs and help me to become weird(er)!

*Sunday's are considered "celebration days" during Lent to celebrate Jesus' resurrection.  Whatever was sacrificed for Lent can be enjoyed on this day as a celebration for the victory that Jesus had over death.

Giving Up

The 40 days before Easter Sunday are known as Lent, where Christians give something up sacrificially to prepare their hearts and minds for Easter. The objective is to focus all our attention on God instead of whatever object or person we give up. It requires discipline, denying desires, and clinging to Jesus for strength.

My current church does not practice Lent, but I want to keep it up. For most situations in my life, I can’t see the big picture and I want instant gratification. Denying myself is a very difficult task for me. During Lent, I know that the sacrifice is worth it. I know that I need that desperate grasp on Jesus’ hand and begging Him to help me through the day. Food is a constant addiction and in the past, I have given up sweets (candy, dessert, soda, ice cream, etc).

This year, I have so many goals that I felt the need to give up something that was occupying way too much time. TV.

Goal #1 Organize and declutter my house.
- It is already March and I haven’t finished 1 room. Not even a whole closet. I’ve adjusted my goal from 1 room a week to 1 room a month and still no progress.

Goal #2 Exercise.
- Whether it’s going to the gym, running in the neighborhood, or playing the Wii (I am not counting exercising with the Wii as watching TV – at least I’m working towards a goal!)

Goal #3 Lose weight.
- I mindlessly eat in front of the TV. It doesn’t matter if I just ate dinner, I will stuff my face with just about anything. If I don’t have junk food, I will concoct something.

Goal #4 Get out of debt.
- Watching TV doesn’t cost exactly (yes, I have a bill each month, but I’m not giving this up forever!), but I could be doing something better with my time to find ways to save money, be productive, or sell stuff.

Goal #5 Read at least 3 books to deepen my devotional life.
- Obviously TV impairs this one the most. I can’t multi-task on simple things, let alone reading and TV.

The night before Lent started, in true Fat Tuesday tradition, I frantically watched as many episodes of Once Upon a Time, Grey’s Anatomy and Parenthood as I could so my beloved DVR wouldn’t be overloaded at the end of 40 days. I knew there was a high chance that my limit of 5 episodes per show would end up overwriting itself by Easter. Only a few select shows earn the right to record unlimited episodes in my DVR.

Day 1 (Wednesday) was a success.

Day 2 (Thursday), I realized that Once Upon a Time (absence makes me obsess about my favorite shows and wonder what they are doing without me – even on nights they aren’t on), I heard that Sunday’s were celebration days to mimic Easter. On those celebration days, one can partake on whatever they were giving up. I researched it online and found this to be true! Sunday, hurry up!

Day 4 (Saturday), I had friends over for our monthly dinner and I wanted to show them “The Revolution”. We are all trying to lose weight and get our life organized and finances in order so I had to give them a glimpse of the show! I knew it was breaking Lent, but we had already planned this event before I decided to give up TV. Plus, it was the day before my celebration day!

Day 5 (Sunday), I went to church and then succeeded in having the TV on most of the day. Since I splurged the day before, my intent was to turn the TV off at 7 p.m. This did not happen. I was literally Up All Night watching “Suburgatory” and “New Girl”.

Days 6-11 (Monday – Saturday), I managed to stay super busy this week. With my leg healed, I can now join the running club! Wednesday was Weight Watchers meeting and Thursday small group. My plans fell through on Friday night and I SO wanted to watch TV. I didn’t cave in, and unfortunately I didn’t muster up the gumption to actually organize. Instead, I researched cars online.

Day 12 (Sunday), the craziest thing happened. This was my celebration day, the day I could partake in the forbidden activity. I turned the TV on and then realized I needed to call my mom. Afterwards, I tried to watch TV again, but it was bothering me so much that I finally had to turn the TV off!!! I think I watched one show all day! That’s when it occurred to me, when I give something up and focus on Jesus, that “thing” becomes unnecessary.

In fact, the show I watched just confirmed GIGO. Garbage In, Garbage Out. No wonder I think that happiness is a new car, being in a relationship, or having straight hair. All those messages are pounded into my head during one show! No wonder I have insecurities. No wonder I am scared to speak up about my faith. Christians are continually portrayed as weak, weird, fanatical, or pushy. None of them ever point out our “good” qualities like love, compassion, forgiveness, gentleness, mercy, kindness, consideration, faith, and sincerity. I realized that I am happier without TV!

"The Biggest Loser" is a somewhat wholesome show with very little profanity (at least it’s beeped out) or nudity. Yet, the past few weeks, the show was so full of tension, judgmental contestants, and petty fighting. I would end up feeling upset after the show was over! Who needs to feel stressed from watching TV?

Day 14 (Tuesday), I was doing my budget for the millionth time this year. I am about to pay off a big chunk of debt (yay!) so I was hypothetically reallocating my money. What I found shocked me. If I reallocated the way I wanted to, I wouldn’t have any money left over for savings or a car payment.

Here is the dilemma, I am a huge fan of Dave Ramsey and I am still on Baby Step 2 – Get out of debt. Yet, I want to start giving like no one else (Baby Step 7). With de-cluttering my house and getting rid of unnecessary stuff I realize how little I actually NEED. With participating in my church’s Feed My Starving Children (FMSC.org) event, I was reminded about how there are people in the world with nothing. Here I am carrying around 30 extra pounds of weight from my obsession with food and there are people that haven’t eaten all week. I can’t find wall decor I want for my cozy house while I pass by homeless people in DC every day. I am blessed beyond measure and here I am squeezing my budget to afford my “reasonably-priced dream car” (Ford Fusion Hybrid). Do I NEED a new car? Yes. Mine is 9 years old and hanging on by a thread. Do I need THAT car? No. Do I have a budget for a car payment? Yes. Can I live with another “budget car”? Absolutely!

One of the many paradoxes (Is that a word? Regardless, I’m using it.) I’m learning is that the more I give, the less I need. I want God to use me. I am so thankful that I have the finances to support His work to minister to those in need.

I don’t want to go back to how I was before. Watching TV every single night and being consumed by meaningless shows. Unsatisfied with my life because it doesn’t measure up to how the world views success.

During this 40 day deprivation, I found real joy in giving!

Love Lessons Learned in 2012

Since I don’t have time to write as often as I would like, I decided to do an open-ended “Lessons Learned”. C'mon, I had to get my project management skills in here somehow!

I plan on writing more posts this year, but I don’t believe it's necessary to describe every detail of these events. My writings are meant to demonstrate how God is shaping me and molding me into a more loving person. Unfortunately, my lessons are usually through tough circumstances. By focusing on my OLW “Love”, I realize that I could potentially hurt the other individuals involved whether or not they read my blog.

Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"

Love the Lord your God means…

1. Honoring God with the first moments of my day, every day.

2. Giving God back a portion of what He gives me (time and money).

3. Thanking God for every person, thing and situation. He has a plan and will work everything together for good, if I trust Him.

4. Trusting Jesus. It is important to verbalize my trust in Him daily, hourly, and minute-by-minute. Even when I am struggling with this, saying it out loud creates the heart-attitude to trust.

5. Praying without ceasing. By prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

6. Seeking His will for decisions big and small.

7. Be still and listen to His still, small voice.

8. Submitting everything to God’s control. The unknown result makes this scary, but peace that passes understanding follows as soon as I lay it down.

9. Acknowledging God’s goodness and majesty. This is a constant reminder to me to verbalize it and give Him the honor and glory He deserves. Plus, God loves to hear His children recognize His sovereignty.

Loving others as myself means…

1. Admitting when I am wrong and apologizing. It does not mean I will never hurt others or never do wrong.

2. Accepting people as they are – flaws and all. I can’t change people, only God can.

3. Asking God to reveal His big picture, so I can act accordingly. Sometimes it involves hurting those I care about, but following God’s guidance is so much more important.

4. Denying myself instant gratification to wait on God to provide something better – infinitely more than I can ever ask or imagine.

5. Thanking God for family, friends, co-workers and strangers continually each day. This not only blesses the other person, but it creates a love in my heart for them.

6. Putting other’s needs before my own.

7. Finding a need and filling it.

8. Forgiving others continually, just as Jesus continually forgives me.

9. Vulnerability and honesty with safe people. To make friends, I have to be one.

That's all for now. To be continued...

The Love Journey Continues

On January 7, I went to Adore Him Creations studio to create a picture of my OLW: Love. Diane is a phenominal artist from my small group. I'm not the artistic type in the slightest. She's helped other artistically-challenged folks, so I thought I'd give it a go.

I was immediately faced with so many decisions that my head was spinning. What size board? What colors? What font for the letters? I wasn't prepared and I was making decisions on the fly - not a good start. From seeing her work, I knew that I wanted to use old hymns as the background. Two oldie, but goodie hymns came to mind: "My Jesus, I Love Thee" and "And Can It Be". The second one threw everyone for a loop because the chorus is "Amazing love, how can it be, that thou my God shouldst die for me." The title isn't Amazing Love as one would think. Instead, it's the first line of the verse. Diane immediately suggested Chris Tomlin's "Amazing Love", but that wasn't what I wanted at all. Yes, it's a lovely song, but I wanted the hymns! Thankfully we had the internet to help us find the real title and then some good ol' Baptist hymnals to copy.

My first task was to tear the copied hymn pages up. You read that right - tear as in shred them. I did it neatly as possible so I wouldn't tear off any important words. She comes over and says that I'm not doing it right. "Just tear it!" I laughed and explained that she was asking a perfectionist to tear up a piece of paper that is going on her artwork. It wasn't that easy for me. She explained that she struggled with that too, but there is something freeing about shredding pages that were meant to be nice and neat. The messier, the better. I relinquished. Slightly.

Not knowing what I was doing and seeing some of her other art really was an injustice. I thought that there would be layer upon layer of paint over my hymns to add depth and let the songs peek through, but I missed the step where the paint I was using was going to be the only thing I used to cover the whole background. Yes, I painted a little, but no where near the amount needed.

The letters were an adventure, indeed. Each letter is uniquely shaped and painted. Diane has tons of stamps, stickers, ribbons, flowers, butterflies, buttons, coins, mirrors, etc. to put on the art. I didn't know what options I had and seeing her other artwork, I wanted one of everything! It looked chaotic while laying it out on the table, but I knew that her art was busy, but brilliant. I was sure that was how mine would end up.

I painted each letter various solid colors and then Diane guided me with stamping them. She did some other technique that makes the paint raised and shiny after heat is applied through a hair dryer. Cool stuff!

Then came the crazy part - adding all the little fru-fru stuff. Remember how I wanted to add everything? I did. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. The end result? Organized chaos. We glued a butterfly to show that I'm transforming into a loving person. We glued a heart on a fuzzy string to signify - a heart. We glued a flower to imply - a flower. We glued a key because we needed something to hang a tag that says "journey" and also - our jouney is the key. We glued sparkles on the "L" because I'm supposed to shine.







To wrap it all up, there were words I wanted to stamp on it, but I didn't want to over-do it. Too late. The ladies kept asking me what aspect of "Love" I wanted to focus on this year. I want to consistently show to love to others, regardless of my mood. I want to be so full of God's love that it overflows to everyone I meet. So the words I chose were family, friends, grace, blessings,and forever. We found a spot and sure enough, the words got stamped. They are extremely faded (on purpose), but they are filling the seemingly blank space in the middle at the top.

What happened next still haunts me.

Since the piece is 3-D, I laid it on the front seat of my car for the drive home. I made sure not to make any sudden stops for fear I'd knock it off the front seat. As I drove, I got more and more upset. I couldn't look over at it. I was thinking of how I should have put more paint on the background. I shouldn't have added so many pages of hymns. I should have added something in the middle. I shouldn't have stamped so much. I should have just gone simple and stopped about 30 minutes earlier (to avoid the clutter). I wish, I wish, I wish...


When I arrived at home, I carefully carried it so I wouldn't have to look at it. I put it behind some things so it would be protected from my curious cats. Then I started crying. I literally fell to my knees and I confessed to God what I had been doing. I was tearing apart the picture and criticizing it so there would be nothing left for other people to say. I acknowledged that I didn't accept myself for the way I am, faults and all. I already knew I was a perfectionist, but the end result was that I didn't love myself.

It was heartbreaking to hear the words come out of my mouth without intentionally saying them. It was as if I was hearing another person speak. Yet, I felt liberated at the same time. I've heard the first step to overcoming an obstacle is admitting you have a problem. That's a big problem to own up to. My world wasn't auto-corrected in that instant. Rather, I was filled with the peace of knowing that I conceded to something that God has prepared me to face. I immediately asked Him to show me how to love myself.

Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV)
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
38 This is the first and greatest commandment.
39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

I know this part of the journey has just begun, but already He is helping me give myself mercy and grace. I'm forgiving myself more than I used to. I'm making my needs and wants a priority. I don't mean in a selfish way, I mean that I am learning that it's OK to just say "no". Much like in my last post when I learned that I get to pick and choose who I date. I don't need to go out with the first guy who shows interest in me if he isn't the person God laid on my heart to date.

I'm posting this a little late (this story was from January 7), but the first week of 2012 was so impressive that I had to share! I can't wait to see what the other 51 weeks teach me!

I have continually asked God to show me how to love myself. He laid it on my heart to put the picture in a prominent place to where I have to see it every day. This week (February 9th), my brother came over to hang shelves above my TV. I bought them several weeks ago, but in my perfectionism, I didn't want to screw holes into the walls without supervision. He hung them right where I wanted them, but as soon as I put the picture on the shelf I realized the shelves are too high. That's OK. I'm learning to love myself, high shelves and all!

Just Say "No"

In my last post, I declared that my One Little Word (OLW) for 2012 is Love. When I picked this word, my thought was that I wanted God's love to consume me to the point that it overflowed to everyone around me. My attitude will not have any bearing on how I treat others if I am filled with super-natural love.

This begins the journey of how giving God the reigns of my life can change my priorities and directions into so much more than I could ask or imagine.
Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

It's no secret that I'm single. I don't try to hide it, even though some see it as tragic as a fatal disease. I desperately want to be married, but God has gently shown me through my family and friends that marriage is not the answer to my lonliness. I've heard this all my life but God, in His infinite love and mercy, knows that I need to hear it, see it, and experience it many, many, many times for it to sink in. I am ever so thankful for His patience with me.

In late December, I felt led to write a prayer to continually give God my desire for marriage. I've been told to be specific for what I want in a man and God will give me every characteristic on my list. Instead, I chose to be vague and give it over to God. I know that He knows what is best for me and His list of what my future husband will posses is so much better than what I think I need. My prayer asked for me to recognize when this man comes into my life and for him to recognize when I come into his life so he will have the courage to ask me out.

The new year is always a reminder of how lonely I am. I usually dread New Year's Eve, but this year I decided to embrace it. This is going to be the year I finally achieve my goals. I wasn't going to get my hopes up for a last minute date and I looked forward to spending the evening with friends (even though most were couples). I was surprised at how much happier I was by deciding to enjoy myself ahead of time.

On January 2, a friend was flying into DC to drop his son off. The boy's mother lives in MD and my friend (we'll call him T) lives in Kansas.

Background story: T and I met at Regan National Airport after I returned home from vacation in July last year. He was dropping his son off after a summer visit and I was dropping my friend off so she could fly home to Ohio. Her plane was delayed for over 3 hours, so I started talking to the cute boy sitting next to me (T) while she talked on the phone to her boyfriend. He and I kept in touch over the months and while we talked about the possibility of dating, it never seemed feasible.

Thanks to him, I realized that I date unavailable guys. They don't have time for me, they hide me, they have kids that keep them busy in the evenings, or they live too far away. I finally admitted to myself that I want to go on dates. I want to be pursued. I want to snuggle on the couch and just watch movies on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I would never experience that with T. He led me on for a little while with the idea that he would consider moving to the DC area to be near his son. Subsequent conversations proved that he hates large cities and he borderlined on racism. Needless to say, Kansas held no appeal to me so that wasn't ever an option. He started school and being a recent college
graduate myself, I was very proud of him for pusuing his goals. When I made it clear that we couldn't be together, he thought it was just because of the time he spent at school. He couldn't fathom that it was because of the distance - no matter how many times I told him.

Now back to January 2, 2012. T's layover in DC was less than 2 hours, so we just met for lunch. We had a great time of talking and laughing. He even bought lunch for me. If it weren't for the nasty NY Rangers jersey he was wearing (just to spite me, a CAPS fan), I would have wished for a longer visit. Then the strangest thing happened. When he was walking to the security line, he slipped in the "L" word. I played it off as if I didn't hear it and/or he was talking about loving me as a friend. Then when he arrived at home, he was texting me non-stop for days. The attention was nice, but he must have thought whatever happened at lunch was so much more.

I blocked off the weekend of January 7 to organize my basement. I had no idea how impossible it would be to get the whole thing done in one weekend, but I made great strides despite my over-ambitious schedule. He was texting me non-stop and I came to the conclusion that I had to put an end to this. I wasn't the least bit interested in him. For whatever reason, he thought he was in love with me and I cared for him enough as a friend not to lead him on any longer. So, I pulled out the only card I hadn't played yet. God.

If you are a fellow Christian, you might find it odd that I hadn't brought up faith, God, religion, or beliefs before this point. It came up in discussion very early on, but it was abruptly shut down. He is a former soldier in the Air Force and during some of my interrogations of his past life and many trips to the Middle East, he told me, "There are 2 things you never ask a soldier: if he's ever killed someone and about his religion." When someone shuts off a topic this way, I try to respect their wishes. I also made the mental note that if someone refuses to talk about their faith, chances are, they don't believe the same thing as me.

So, while I knew that this would break the boy's heart, I let him know that we had to discuss our faith if he wanted to pursue this. As expected, it didn't match what I believe. He asked immediately if this meant that I never wanted to see him again. I let him know that I wanted to be with someone that shared my beliefs. Then he said something that really floored me. He never gets involved in politics or religion because all it does is cause wars, such as the war he fought in. I agreed and said that I didn't want to be at war with him. For the second time, he didn't understand, but he did respect my wishes.

Remember the prayer that I wrote in late December? I didn't realize until 2 days after the fact that the last line was asking God to give me the courage to say "no" when the wrong man asks me out. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but you may not know me well. I always give guys chances. I don't want to judge others before getting to know them. I give too many chances and renew chances until the relationship has dissolved into something beyond miserable and ends in a bloody battle. By God laying it on my heart (and me actually listening to His gentle leading), I avoided that whole mess by loving T enough as a friend to tell him, "no".

God gave me a miracle with my OLW the first week in the new year. He also is giving me direction and purpose, two things that were lacking in my life in 2011.

God is good. All the time.