30 Day Challenge - Day 36

For an explanation of the challenge, please read Day 1.

For an explanation of why I'm on Day 36 of a 30 Day Challenge, please read Day 11.

Today has been difficult.  There is no particular reason, yet there are a million reasons.  For the first time in a long time, I feel that God is distant.  I've had several weeks where God was literally answering prayers immediately. I felt like He and I were one.  It was an incredible feeling of being held close.  I had nothing to fear.  I felt secure.  

Then yesterday, I was overwhelmed at work.  I now report to 2 different people on 5 different projects.  The deliverables are all due in the next 2 weeks.  It's too much to do during the day, so I have to work the weekends and long hours, some of them at home in the evenings.  Not to mention, I was hoping to take the exam again soon so I could have the material fresh in my mind.  

It made me pause and think of all the chaos of the past month.  I have felt on multiple occasions that I was being tested.  First, my health was attacked when I went to the ER for my back.  Then, my confidence was attacked by not passing the exam.  Now, it's like Satan's final straw - the chaos attack.  I will say, usually, this attack totally works.  I get so overwhelmed that I just stop everything good in my life.  I turn to food and alcohol for comfort and completely isolate from anything that could point me back to God.  It's easy to find friends that are willing to be swayed to fall into this pit with me.  Or, they are already there and are more than willing to pull me down to their level. 

Not this time though.  I am still very much feeling overwhelmed and I see the chaos swirling around me like a tornado.  Yet, I've learned the hard way that the vices I used to turn to never satisfy the emptiness or uncertainty.  When I've turned to them in the past, I wake up months later from whatever mess I've allowed myself to wallow in and realize that I made one seemingly minor wrong decision after another.  It led me farther away from Jesus, who is the only source of real happiness and peace. 

Therefore, I choose to trust God.  I choose to wait on God.  I choose to believe what His word says even though I still don't feel or hear Him.  But I know that His love is not based on my feelings (thank you for this, Lord Jesus!).  

Romans 8:35, 37-39 (NLT) Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love?  Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Kari Jobe "You Are For Me"

It is times like this, that all I can do is obey.  I know God hasn't changed, and if I've changed, I don't want to stray too far from my source of hope.  Therefore, I will remain in Jesus. 

John 15:4-11 (NLT) [Jesus said,] Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.  Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.  For apart from me you can do nothing.  Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers.  Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned.  But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!  When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples.  This brings great glory to my Father.  I have loved you even as the Father has loved me.  Remain in my love.  When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love.  I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy.  Yes, your joy will overflow!

In seven (7) verses, Jesus said "remain" 10 times!  Not only that, but He promises in verse 4, "Remain in me, and I will remain in you".  In order for me to remain in His love, I must obey his commandments (verse 10).  Praise Jesus, the last promise is that if we obey and remain, our joy will overflow!

Jesus, even though I can't feel you right now, I thank you that your Word is available to me 24/7/365.  Your words are never far from me and may they penetrate my soul so that it flows out of me and fills those I see each and every day.  I pray Lord Jesus, that you will guide my steps tomorrow and show me what I should do every step of the way.  Please help me to balance my workload based on your priorities.  May I honor my managers and you in doing everything for your glory.  I will wait for your clear confirmation on when or if to reschedule my exam.  Until then, please help me to study and use my time in ways that honor you.  Jesus, I thank you for the trial of chaos.  I thank you for giving me a focal point to see peace inside of the situation.  Please Jesus, let me hear your whispers in the whirlwind.  

2 Corinthians 4:18 So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. 

30 Day Challenge - Day 28

For an explanation of the challenge, please read Day 1.


God is doing AMAZING things in my life right now.  There is way too much to type, but here is what blessed and motivated me today.  I just had to share!

Here is what I'm learning:  God blesses me so I can bless others.

Confession:  I am obsessed with my budget.  I love spreadsheets, charts, and calculating things in Excel.  My personal budget has over 11 tabs that cross reference each other.  I keep attempting to create a dashboard of sorts, but I can't stop changing it long enough to enjoy the finished product!  I am not saying this to brag, God has convicted me on multiple occasions to just walk away!  I would spend hours changing amounts, moving funds, analyzing different scenarios.  Especially since this is money-related, it is a form of worry and fear of the future.  Neither of those things honor God and He is the one in control of my finances - not me.  It is important for me to be a good steward of what He gave me, but I must learn to manage my finances without taking God's role.

My church started a fundraising effort to put us in a better financial situation.  I am totally on board with this because of my passion for paying off debt and using God's resources wisely.  They published an announcement stating that there was a particular weekend that we would begin giving generously.  I panicked.  I even talked to my small group leader about it.  There was no way I could contribute.  I have all my money allocated and the weekend they selected was in the middle of a pay period!  She calmly said, "Just pray."  Duh, why didn't I think of that??

So, I "just prayed".  I told God that He knew my resources and saw my bank account and budget.  If I was going to participate in this initiative, He was going to have to show me where the money would come from!

While at work the next day, where all my great ideas for non-work related activities come to me,  I remembered that my Home Owners Association (HOA) has been sending me a statement the past few months saying that I had a credit balance of exactly 1 month's fees.  I sent them an email and asked if I could either skip a payment or if they would send me a check to zero out my balance.

God's provisions:
1) Within 24 hours, the HOA replied and said that I could skip the payment!  Money was arriving and God was not done yet!!
2) That week, a retreat I had paid for was cancelled, so the registration fee was reimbursed!
3) God reminded me that just last month in my crazy budget spreadsheet, I randomly found unallocated money in my savings account!  I figured I could save it for an unexpected need, and this qualifies!
4) I have a "bucket" in my savings account for future giving.  This is the future and it's all about giving!
5) My electric bill was only half of what I had budgeted.  Why was I even surprised?!
6) I was saving the amount of my Emergency Room copay because I knew that the bill would be coming eventually.  I finally realized that if God was giving me all this money just to give back to Him, He can surely help me come up with the money for the hospital bill!  So, I added that money to the offering!
7) Two weeks ago, I attended a work conference and because I am attempting to pay off my credit card, I paid for everything out of my checking account.  By God's grace, I was able to skimp and save to where I lived within the tiny bit of money left over for groceries and eating out!  I realized that when I do receive the reimbursement check, I can give the whole check to God!
8) After I submitted my expense report, I was informed that I would receive 75% of the per diem rate for the day.  I questioned her (I'm not sure why), but I said that I had only been gone for 1 day and it was local.  She said that it didn't matter, I still received it because I was "travelling" for our company.  I literally made MORE money on the transaction that what I spent!

As of today, the amount that God has given me to give to the church is MORE than my monthly tithe.  While my monthly tithe will be given to the church on another Sunday, God more than doubled it for this month!   He gave me money out of His abundant resources just so I could give it back to Him.  How can I not be thankful?  How can I not give it back to Him?  It was never mine to begin with!

Philippians 4:19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. 

Just Say "No"

In my last post, I declared that my One Little Word (OLW) for 2012 is Love. When I picked this word, my thought was that I wanted God's love to consume me to the point that it overflowed to everyone around me. My attitude will not have any bearing on how I treat others if I am filled with super-natural love.

This begins the journey of how giving God the reigns of my life can change my priorities and directions into so much more than I could ask or imagine.
Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

It's no secret that I'm single. I don't try to hide it, even though some see it as tragic as a fatal disease. I desperately want to be married, but God has gently shown me through my family and friends that marriage is not the answer to my lonliness. I've heard this all my life but God, in His infinite love and mercy, knows that I need to hear it, see it, and experience it many, many, many times for it to sink in. I am ever so thankful for His patience with me.

In late December, I felt led to write a prayer to continually give God my desire for marriage. I've been told to be specific for what I want in a man and God will give me every characteristic on my list. Instead, I chose to be vague and give it over to God. I know that He knows what is best for me and His list of what my future husband will posses is so much better than what I think I need. My prayer asked for me to recognize when this man comes into my life and for him to recognize when I come into his life so he will have the courage to ask me out.

The new year is always a reminder of how lonely I am. I usually dread New Year's Eve, but this year I decided to embrace it. This is going to be the year I finally achieve my goals. I wasn't going to get my hopes up for a last minute date and I looked forward to spending the evening with friends (even though most were couples). I was surprised at how much happier I was by deciding to enjoy myself ahead of time.

On January 2, a friend was flying into DC to drop his son off. The boy's mother lives in MD and my friend (we'll call him T) lives in Kansas.

Background story: T and I met at Regan National Airport after I returned home from vacation in July last year. He was dropping his son off after a summer visit and I was dropping my friend off so she could fly home to Ohio. Her plane was delayed for over 3 hours, so I started talking to the cute boy sitting next to me (T) while she talked on the phone to her boyfriend. He and I kept in touch over the months and while we talked about the possibility of dating, it never seemed feasible.

Thanks to him, I realized that I date unavailable guys. They don't have time for me, they hide me, they have kids that keep them busy in the evenings, or they live too far away. I finally admitted to myself that I want to go on dates. I want to be pursued. I want to snuggle on the couch and just watch movies on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I would never experience that with T. He led me on for a little while with the idea that he would consider moving to the DC area to be near his son. Subsequent conversations proved that he hates large cities and he borderlined on racism. Needless to say, Kansas held no appeal to me so that wasn't ever an option. He started school and being a recent college
graduate myself, I was very proud of him for pusuing his goals. When I made it clear that we couldn't be together, he thought it was just because of the time he spent at school. He couldn't fathom that it was because of the distance - no matter how many times I told him.

Now back to January 2, 2012. T's layover in DC was less than 2 hours, so we just met for lunch. We had a great time of talking and laughing. He even bought lunch for me. If it weren't for the nasty NY Rangers jersey he was wearing (just to spite me, a CAPS fan), I would have wished for a longer visit. Then the strangest thing happened. When he was walking to the security line, he slipped in the "L" word. I played it off as if I didn't hear it and/or he was talking about loving me as a friend. Then when he arrived at home, he was texting me non-stop for days. The attention was nice, but he must have thought whatever happened at lunch was so much more.

I blocked off the weekend of January 7 to organize my basement. I had no idea how impossible it would be to get the whole thing done in one weekend, but I made great strides despite my over-ambitious schedule. He was texting me non-stop and I came to the conclusion that I had to put an end to this. I wasn't the least bit interested in him. For whatever reason, he thought he was in love with me and I cared for him enough as a friend not to lead him on any longer. So, I pulled out the only card I hadn't played yet. God.

If you are a fellow Christian, you might find it odd that I hadn't brought up faith, God, religion, or beliefs before this point. It came up in discussion very early on, but it was abruptly shut down. He is a former soldier in the Air Force and during some of my interrogations of his past life and many trips to the Middle East, he told me, "There are 2 things you never ask a soldier: if he's ever killed someone and about his religion." When someone shuts off a topic this way, I try to respect their wishes. I also made the mental note that if someone refuses to talk about their faith, chances are, they don't believe the same thing as me.

So, while I knew that this would break the boy's heart, I let him know that we had to discuss our faith if he wanted to pursue this. As expected, it didn't match what I believe. He asked immediately if this meant that I never wanted to see him again. I let him know that I wanted to be with someone that shared my beliefs. Then he said something that really floored me. He never gets involved in politics or religion because all it does is cause wars, such as the war he fought in. I agreed and said that I didn't want to be at war with him. For the second time, he didn't understand, but he did respect my wishes.

Remember the prayer that I wrote in late December? I didn't realize until 2 days after the fact that the last line was asking God to give me the courage to say "no" when the wrong man asks me out. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but you may not know me well. I always give guys chances. I don't want to judge others before getting to know them. I give too many chances and renew chances until the relationship has dissolved into something beyond miserable and ends in a bloody battle. By God laying it on my heart (and me actually listening to His gentle leading), I avoided that whole mess by loving T enough as a friend to tell him, "no".

God gave me a miracle with my OLW the first week in the new year. He also is giving me direction and purpose, two things that were lacking in my life in 2011.

God is good. All the time.

Giving Up

I hate a life filled with drama. I try to keep things simple and try to keep it all together. I have a hard time opening up to people and admitting when I am going through a hard time. Yet, I find myself drowning in never-ending troubles. As soon as I feel like I’m getting back on my feet, I get kicked down again. I don’t even feel worthy to ask, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” I feel like somehow I deserve some of this drama. Some of it, not all.

The details aren’t important. Everyone goes through hard times. Why do I feel the need to fake the funk and act like everything is OK? Why do I find it so hard to trust people? I have so many loving friends and family in my life. I am one of the fortunate few. Yet, letting someone in is a terrifying thing for me.

To add to my stress, I know that God is always with me. He promises will never leave me or forsake me. Again, I don’t feel worthy of this love. I want to hide from it because I know I’ve pushed Him away. I use God as my last resort instead of first response. I live my life the way I want to instead of a life that honors Him. Then to run to Him when I screw it all up just seems unfair. I’m taking God for granted.

The Bible study I went to last night talked of God’s measureless love. It is mind boggling. The Bible says it surpasses knowledge in Ephesians 3. The study described how God measures everything. He measured where to place the galaxies, sun, moon, and stars. In the vast universe, he placed our planet in the precise location to support life. He gave precise measurements for temples that humans would use to worship him. Noah received the particular dimensions for an ark in the middle of dry land. God even gives measurements of cities that will exist after the earth is destroyed. Yet, God’s love is measureless. The height of his love cannot be calculated. The depth of his love cannot compare to the depths of the oceans. The width of his love is farther than the eye can see. It is everywhere around us, yet I push it away.

I choose today to embrace His love. I choose today to give up my control over circumstances I never had control over. My stress and worries are all my own doing.

John 16:33 “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Jesus, I embrace your peace. I give you my life so that you can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ask or imagine. I’m giving it all to you.