I'm beginning to feel that the only time I write is when life sucks. Without over-analyzing it too much [ha!], I think it's just due to the fact that I find writing therapeutic. When life is good, I don't need to run to the laptop for a distraction. When life is bad, I desperately seek for something to get my mind off the pain.
Mother's Day 2011. Today was the day where I called my mother up, apologized for sending the card late, and told her that I love her. Yet, I can't help but be selfish on this day and grieve for what I do not have.
Do you ever have one of those moments where you know that something said at church was said just for you? We didn't have the typical "Children obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord" or "Husband's love your wives" sermon. Our pastor interviewed Gene, a woman that has been married for 53 years. It was refreshing to hear that she was strong-willed and made mistakes! Not that I wish for any trouble on her or other believers, but I get so turned off by women that exude perfection in their family and spiritual lives.
I suppose I should eventually post my testimony, but let's just say my life has had it's share of ups and downs when it comes to my relationship with Jesus. The last time I hit a low like this, when I finally turned to God (as mentioned previously, he tends to be my last resort), I turned to the Psalms. Chapter 27 just blew me away. It discussed the pain I was going through, my plea to restore my relationship with God, it gave me hope and encouragement, and finally, it gave me instructions on how to make everything come together!
Psalm 27 (NIV)
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
I remember praying those verses back to God so many times. Pleading with him to make my pain go away and give me peace. He did eventually, but it was such a long and arduous process. Many years later, those verses would show up at unexpected times.
When my mother moved back to Ohio, I inherited random things from her. One item was a blanket with lighthouses on it. She had that blanket for at least 5 years. We both liked it and when she wanted to get rid of it, I asked if I could keep it. One day while cuddling under it, I realized I had the picture facing me and I finally read the words after using that blanket for countless years. It says, "The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? Psalms 27:1"
When those verses pop up randomly, it always makes me stop. Every single verse in that chapter speaks to me. It is either a prayer of mine for God to rescue me or give me strength, or a prayer of where I want to be - high on a rock singing songs of joy!
When Gene closed her interview by encouraging us with verses 13 and 14 from Psalms 27, "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ", I sat there in awe.
God has not forgotten what He has promised me. God hasn't forgotten my prayers for the past 10 years. God is not punishing me for my sins. He is patiently asking me to stop trying to do everything on my own and in my timing. Find strength in Him. Just wait...