30 Day Challenge - Day 7

For an explanation of the 30 day challenge, please read Day 1.

I didn't have time to write about Day 7 because I went to work for the first time all week.  I wasn't able to take my pain meds for my back and I forgot my ice packs at home.  However, by the strength of God, I survived!  Then, I went home and slept for 12 hours. J

Sharon Glasgow posted a blog (click here) yesterday that shared her experience at our women’s retreat!  To God be the glory!  

New Hope Church 2012 Women's Retreat at Skycroft

30 Day Challenge - Day 6

An amazing thing happened yesterday.  I did the unthinkable (for me).  Opening up.  Being vulnerable.  Letting others in.  I posted several blogs yesterday without stopping to think of the consequences.  I didn't worry about who would read them or who wouldn't read them.  I just posted them.  No regard for anything other than – this is me.  This is me without makeup on, still in my jammies at 4 p.m.

It reminds me of another miracle I've experienced this year.  In sharing prayer requests, no matter how seemingly small, I've experienced the healing of power of opening up and sharing the burden.  In letting others pray for me, I no longer have to carry the weight alone.  It is an instantaneous feeling of relief.  My small group leader mentioned that it is related to bringing the issue/struggle to the light.  When Satan has us pinned down under the weight of the burden, it seems too much for us to carry.  We feel shame, fear, and loneliness.  But when we fight through the dark veil and reach out for someone to join us in the fight and hold our hand through the dark times, the dark veil is lifted.  No, an answer may not come right away, but knowing that you have support, love, and friends fighting with you brings peace and comfort. 

Praise God, my pain is noticeably less today!  I don’t feel like I’m walking as crooked as I was yesterday.  I was able to get out of bed without contemplating how to experience the least amount of pain.  I feel so rested today, but was told by my manager to just stay home and get better.  I’m not one to argue logic (ha!), so I am enjoying day 4 of being in my jammies.  It may be time to consider a load of laundry…

There are some major blessings that have come from this ordeal.  1) I feel rested.  2) I've talked to my mom a minimum of 2 times every day.  Before, she and I barely spoke once a week!  Surprisingly, we have a lot to talk about!  I am so thankful for our relationship and her love for me.  She even offered to come to my orthopedic appointment next week.  J  I told her not to, but I appreciated her concern and sacrifice! 3) I've been able to catch up on some reading and studying that I fell way behind. 4) I've been able to cuddle and have some kitty time.  I try not to be crazy-cat lady, but I do love them dearly.  They are so sweet and little Gracie comes over to cuddle the second that I start crying.  Every time.  That’s love right there.

As I mentioned yesterday, when contemplating with a friend as to why God would bring me to this place of pain, the first thing that came to mind was that God wants me to rest.  I know I say this too often, but God is good, He is patient with me, and extremely merciful in my stubbornness.  He knows that I need at least 3 confirmations of something before I grasp the lesson.

I don't believe I blogged about this, but I had been fighting exhaustion for a few weeks.  Last week, it came to a head and I started having chills like I was fighting a fever.  I was so tired that I wanted to just lay my head on my desk at work and rest for about 4 hours.  One night, I made it home from the office, fed the kitties, didn't bother with eating dinner myself, and went to bed at 7 p.m.  I didn't wake up until 7 a.m.  However, I felt refreshed and the chills/fever were gone.  

Today, I was talking to my mom about resting for the Sabbath.  I still struggle with that.  I cannot comprehend how to fit it into my schedule.  During the week, I work.  Saturdays are occupied with errands or social activities.  Sunday is for church and I usually end up going to lunch with friends and running errands.  Also, I have to fit household chores in there too.  How do I devote a whole day to rest?  What constitutes rest?  Reading?  Beading? Blogging?  I just can’t wrap my brain around it. 

On top of all that thought about rest, I have small group tonight and I was scheduled to meet with my leader before group.  I told her I had to pray about it because since I've been home, I haven’t been praying over decisions.  I've missed several God-honoring activities this week due to my back pain.  I wasn't sure if this was spiritual warfare or God telling me I had to rest.  Immediately, Gracie came over and cuddled.  She was purring so loud and loving on me.  That was all it took.  I knew God wanted me to rest.  I do too much.  I have a hard time saying, “no”.  As an added confirmation, here is how God spoke to me through “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young:

Though the Holy Spirit is infinite, He deigns to be your Helper.  (Deigns means to lower yourself. The Holy Spirit stoops to my level to help me.)  He is always ready to offer assistance; all you need to do is ask.  (Why don’t I ask for help?)  When the path before you looks easy and straightforward, you may be tempted to go it alone instead of relying on Me.  (My independent tendencies are not something to be proud of.) This is when you are in the greatest danger of stumbling.  (Ahem. Debilitating back pain, anyone?) Ask My Spirit to help you as you go each step of the way.  Never neglect this glorious Source of strength within you. (Jesus, please forgive my pride and independence of trying to do everything on my own.  I am nothing without you and you are the source of my strength.  Please direct my every step and guide my decisions so I can learn to rest in you and only take on the responsibilities you would have me do.)

Even God-honoring activities can be detrimental to my spiritual life if I am not following God’s leading.  I must actively choose to practice being still so I can hear God’s whisper in the whirlwind.  

30 Day Challenge - Day 5

I woke up still in pain today, but it does seem to be less each morning.  Thank you, Jesus! I was taking my time trying to evaluate whether or not to go into work because I didn't want to risk it – especially if it spasms while driving.  I took the anti-inflammatory meds to see if it would ease the pain enough to go to work.  After a while, the pain increased and I knew I would have to take the pain meds.  Unfortunately, yesterday they made me nauseous and I had to lie down.  So, I let my manager know that I wouldn't be able to make it in today either but to let me know if he needed anything from me.  If I had to be on a call, I could time the meds so I would be coherent for a conversation. 

I took the pain meds this morning and called my mom to let her know I wasn't going into work and that it still hurt.  She has been so supportive through all this.  She was so sweet to even say that dealing with pain has to burn calories even if I can’t exercise. J  God bless her!

Last night, I was feeling sad a little.  While I love my alone time, I don’t enjoy forced alone time.  I feel like I don’t have any options because I can’t go to work and I can’t drive.  I love how God answers prayers before I actually form the sentences.  I know that God is here with me and I know that I do have friends praying for me.  He then blessed me with 4 friends contacting me within 2 hours through 1 email, 1 text conversation, and 2 phone calls.  God is GOOD! J  The last phone call was really special.  She said, "Sometimes God causes pain in our life to try to teach us something."  I told her that the first thing that came to mind is to slow down and rest.  Be still.   

If I ever publish my journals from this year, I felt over and over again that while my One Little Word is “love”, the lesson for the whole year has been to wait, be still, and be patience.

Psalms 27:13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalms 37:5-7 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:  He will make your righteousness shine like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

After all that contemplation, I was going through my hundreds of emails clogging my inbox - deleting them and cleaning them up as best I could.  I came across one that was only a scripture, but considering what I’m going through right now with my back pain, I read it with new meaning. 

(...the paraphrased promise of Isaiah 66:9 NCV)

Ann Voskamp

One Thousand Gifts

Lord, please show me what new thing you are creating in me, reveal to me what is being birthed through this pain.  Help me to see your hand at work in my life and may I not be a stumbling block for those around me.  May I always point them directly to you.  Thank you, Jesus that you are not finished with me yet.  That you are continually transforming me to be more like you every day.  I thank you for the pain. I thank you for this time to refocus my priorities.  May my priorities be led and managed by you and may your will and way be clear to me like a lighted path.  Help me to follow your direction and guidance with unfettered obedience.  This is new territory for me and I lay down my desires so you can give me your desires.

So, today, after I took my pain pills, I knew I had about 45 minutes before I would feel the need to lie down.  I was feeling slightly better, so I started to clean off my couch and coffee table.  It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things get piled up and especially when I’m not feeling well.  I want everything close to me, so I keep piling things higher and higher.  

As I was going through the junk mail and papers piled high, I found prayer card after prayer card from the women in my small group.  I found birthday cards to others that I never mailed out.  Letters I never responded to.  Books I hadn't read in over a month.  Many things were lost in the shuffle and forgotten. 

On one trip to the kitchen to throw a pile of old magazines away, I looked over at my piano and had a desire to play for the first time in about a year.  Then I saw what song the book was open to, “Our God Reigns”.  I am so out of practice, but there was joy in playing the piano again and singing praises to my God.  It was a special moment because despite this trial, my God does reign.  He gave me the desire to play the piano.  He gave me this piano for FREE.  He loves the music even though the piano needs tuned and my singing isn't great either.  He doesn't need me to sound as good as the worship team at church, He just appreciates the effort and time spent worshiping him.  

Thank you, Jesus that I don’t need to be perfect with you.  You take my offering as it is, no matter how off key I sing or how out of tune my instrument sounds.  To you, it is beautiful music.  

30 Day Challenge - Day 4

My dear sister-in-law, Linda, took such good care of me!  She was the one to take me to the ER last night and today, she took me to get my prescriptions and to the grocery.  Praise God - my prescriptions cost $8 total and my grocery bill was small enough to pay cash.  It's amazing how little I need when I'm only focused on buying the essentials!

I think I did a little too much walking at the grocery, but at least I was moving a little.  My back hurts still and it is very difficult to walk or stand up from a sitting position.  I can’t pick up heavy objects (over 5 pounds) and I can’t stretch to reach things.  But, I was very thankful that I was able to shower today.  In my shower, I thanked God that I don’t have any broken bones, that I can raise my hands over my head, and that I can stand long enough to clean up.  Another huge praise, I got out of bed in less than 5 minutes AND I managed to get both socks on in about 10 minutes or so.  We are making progress! J   God is good!

Linda was sharing a story about a friend of hers that is going through a really hard trial in her life.  She was saying how everything lined up for God to make the problem go away, but at the last minute – it didn't.  Linda said the most profound thing.  There must be some reason that this trial wasn't taken away from her.  She needs to just praise God for this trial and through this trial. 

That really resonated with me.  I think she is correct.  I need to praise God through this trial, even if I’m not seeing healing immediately.  After our retreat, I felt like God would heal me immediately just like Sharon’s husband Dale or her mother.  Then again, her mother didn't heal completely, she just didn't die.  Jesus, I trust you through this trial.  I thank you for all the people praying for me and I thank you for your love and strength to get through this together.  I am also thankful for pain meds.  J

I just read the passages of scripture today and realize that I was so caught up in the activities of the past few days I forgot to journal about the verses!  I am drowning in God’s love right now.  The fact that my mom was willing to drive here from Ohio to help me, and Linda spent 2 hours in the ER with me after spending all day in court with a friend of hers, and my brother was willing to do whatever was needed to help me.  The women in my small group are praying for me.  God, I thank you for showing me that it’s OK to ask for help (even though I didn’t exactly ask for help).  I thank you for helping me to see your work in all of this.  I thank you for giving me pain meds to ease the intensity of the pain.  I thank you for letting me find a doctor that can see me in the next 10 days.  I thank you that I was in and out of the hospital in 2 hours!  That’s a miracle!  I thank you that I can still walk, sit, and shower.  I thank you that you are with me even now.  I thank you for this back pain to make me slow down.  I thank you for showing me that I need to rest.  I thank you for showering me with resources to grow closer to you.  The Lord’s Table, Sharon’s 30 day challenge, Jesus Calling, THE BIBLE, and all the devotions you’ve given me through email.  God, you are good.  And your love endures forever.  I am worthy.  I am valued.  I am loved.  (((HUGS))) to you, Jesus!  J

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

When I got up at 2:30 a.m. this morning, I saw that one of my friends had texted me at 10:30 p.m. the night before to ask how my hip was feeling.  At the time of her text, I was in bed and physically unable to get out.  I was thanking God that he put my pain on her mind because I know she prayed for me.  She had no idea what happened, but God did and he was already putting people in my life to pray for healing!

As I said in my last post, I did post a prayer request in our small group at 2:30 a.m. because I know we have early risers and I figured the earlier the prayers start the better for me.  We fondly refer to each other as prayer warriors because the prayers are so powerful, I can literally feel them.  

The gal who had texted me about my hip the night before called me around lunchtime and gently told me for the ump-teenth time that I need to see an Orthopedist (she has been patiently telling me this for 11 months when I first hurt my hip).  

Then, I talked to my manager and his wife had back pain so I emailed her to ask what she did to seek help.  She said I should see an Orthopedist to get pain management or physical therapy.  

A few hours later, I called my mom and she said that I needed to go see a doctor, not just my chiropractor.  Ok, Lord, I get it!  I remembered my primary care physician gave me a list of Orthopedists, but I had no idea where it was.  I slowly climbed the stairs to my room and praise Jesus the list was on TOP of the pile on my filing cabinet! J

Dear Lord, please give me the wisdom to find the right doctor that will see me tomorrow.  I pray that I will find a testing center that will give me an MRI or X-rays (which ever are needed) quickly!  And Lord Jesus just to cover every detail, I pray that they will all be covered by insurance and I won’t have to pay much, if anything, out of pocket.  Thank you!

7 p.m. update:  My mom called my brother.  My brother called me and told me that I should have called him (he lives 15 minutes away) and he encouraged me to go to the Emergency Room.  I hesitated, but finally agreed.  Praise the Lord, they got me in very quickly and I was out of there in about 2 hours.  The diagnosis is a muscle spasm.  I received a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and 2 pain meds.  The pharmacy was closed, but I'll get the meds tomorrow.  No tests were performed and no money out of pocket yet!

30 Day Challenge - Day 2

Today I woke up exhausted.  I went to the early Sunday service because I had to help with the little kids at the 11 a.m. service.  God provided super-natural energy to get me through the day and He blessed us well-behaved kids.  As an added bonus, He allowed me to meet with a friend in need after church.  God is good. 

I came home after church and went for a 45 minute walk.  It was glorious outside.  I even ran 4 blocks!  When I got back, I sat down and iced my back – as a precautionary measure.  I talked to my mom and then a friend on the phone.  The last thing I did before I showered was to tell my small group leader that I would type up my notes from the retreat so she could send them out to our small group.  Then I went upstairs to take a shower.  I decided to lift my 5 pound dumb bells and get some arm exercises in. 

At some point during the evening (before or after my shower), I had changed my password.  As an IT security professional, I know that we should never disclose our passwords, but this is an exception because it plays directly into what's going on in my life.  I use a pass-phrase, which allows a longer password.  Part of it says, “Thank God for Healing.” 

After my shower, I came back downstairs and sat down to do The Lord’s Table Bible study (a Biblical weight loss program).  However, as I was sitting there, my back started hurting more and more.  It got so bad, I couldn't sit any longer.  I had to stand.  I could barely get myself up off the couch.  Then I went to pick up my laptop that weighs between 5-7 pounds.  I dropped it.  Thankfully not far, but I must have hurt my back when I lifted those 5 pound dumb bells! 

Immediately, I recognized this was spiritual warfare.  The ONLY thing I can think of is that I agreed to type up the notes from the retreat to share with our group.  I was also praying some powerful prayers for friends that are going through difficult times in their life. 

In every way possible, I was proclaiming in the name of Jesus, praising Jesus, casting out Satan and His demons, and accepting God’s spirit of healing.  I thought of what friend had shared that when she felt a spirit suppressing her at home, she finally had the courage to command it to leave in Jesus' name.  Yet, she didn't think to protect her children.  She felt like the spirit must have left her and tormented her daughter.  I wondered if I was able to release my friends that I was praying over earlier and the spirits were angry enough to torment me in the only way they could.

I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. because all I could think of was laying horizontally.  I wasn't tired, but I knew that I couldn't lay on the couch because I wouldn't be able to get up.  Going to bed helped alleviate the pain.  But, I could hear my cat downstairs knocking things over and acting like a spaz, I wondered again if that was spiritual warfare!  So I was praying for him and casting out whatever was tormenting him (he’s usually lazy).  At 2:30 a.m., I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get out of bed.  I was in so much pain and no matter how I moved, it HURT.  I cried, I begged Jesus to help.  30 minutes later, I was out of bed.  Going to the bathroom was another painful experience.  Getting back into bed was painful.  I had the where-with-all to turn off my alarm and grab my cell phone.  If my alarm went off, there is no way I could get to it in less than 30 minutes!!  So, I took the time to post a prayer request in my small group.  I fell back asleep and woke up around 7 a.m.  I was still in pain, and again, I couldn't get out of bed. 

I have been praising God, reading my 30 day challenge verses, praying, and taking Advil.  No relief yet.  I will keep P.U.S.H.ing (pray until something happens).

30 Day Challenge - Day 1

The New Hope Women’s Retreat ended today.  We met at Skycroft in Middletown, Maryland.  It was a beautiful location!  The time away seemed to fly by, but our speaker, Sharon Glasgow gave us a lot of information in a short period of time. 

Her 30 day challenge was to read John 17: 20-26, Ephesians 1: 15-23, and Ephesians 3:14-21 and also fast from something for 30 days.  I remember previously doing this with my small group and just being amazed at what God revealed through these verses.  

• Jesus' last will and testament before he was crucified was to pray for me. (John 17:20)
• God loves me with the same love that he loves his son, Jesus. (John 17:26)
• The same power that God used to raise Jesus from the dead is available to believers. (Eph. 1:19-20)
• Jesus fills all my needs in every way. (Eph. 1:23)
• Jesus' love for us is unfathomable. (Eph. 3:17-19)
• God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power (that same power that raised Jesus from the dead!) that is at work within us. (Eph. 3:20)

Not only that, but Sharon taught us so much!  She taught us that we have power in the name of Jesus to do great and mighty things!  John 14:12-14 says that we will do even greater things than what Jesus performed during His ministry and that whatever we ask in His name we will receive!  WOW!  I am excited to see what God will do and I will pray as to what I need to fast from.

Thank you, Jesus, for already answering so many prayers this weekend!  The few ladies who were uncertain of attending decided to come – and later determined that Satan was attempting to keep them away!  We learned so many lessons on how to fight viciously! 

Jesus also answered the prayer for safe travels and good weather!  One woman who got in an accident on the way to the retreat arrived shaken, but uninjured!  We were able to have the bonfire because it wasn't raining as forecasted!  God, you are good!