30 Day Challenge - Day 5

I woke up still in pain today, but it does seem to be less each morning.  Thank you, Jesus! I was taking my time trying to evaluate whether or not to go into work because I didn't want to risk it – especially if it spasms while driving.  I took the anti-inflammatory meds to see if it would ease the pain enough to go to work.  After a while, the pain increased and I knew I would have to take the pain meds.  Unfortunately, yesterday they made me nauseous and I had to lie down.  So, I let my manager know that I wouldn't be able to make it in today either but to let me know if he needed anything from me.  If I had to be on a call, I could time the meds so I would be coherent for a conversation. 

I took the pain meds this morning and called my mom to let her know I wasn't going into work and that it still hurt.  She has been so supportive through all this.  She was so sweet to even say that dealing with pain has to burn calories even if I can’t exercise. J  God bless her!

Last night, I was feeling sad a little.  While I love my alone time, I don’t enjoy forced alone time.  I feel like I don’t have any options because I can’t go to work and I can’t drive.  I love how God answers prayers before I actually form the sentences.  I know that God is here with me and I know that I do have friends praying for me.  He then blessed me with 4 friends contacting me within 2 hours through 1 email, 1 text conversation, and 2 phone calls.  God is GOOD! J  The last phone call was really special.  She said, "Sometimes God causes pain in our life to try to teach us something."  I told her that the first thing that came to mind is to slow down and rest.  Be still.   

If I ever publish my journals from this year, I felt over and over again that while my One Little Word is “love”, the lesson for the whole year has been to wait, be still, and be patience.

Psalms 27:13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalms 37:5-7 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:  He will make your righteousness shine like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

After all that contemplation, I was going through my hundreds of emails clogging my inbox - deleting them and cleaning them up as best I could.  I came across one that was only a scripture, but considering what I’m going through right now with my back pain, I read it with new meaning. 

(...the paraphrased promise of Isaiah 66:9 NCV)

Ann Voskamp

One Thousand Gifts

Lord, please show me what new thing you are creating in me, reveal to me what is being birthed through this pain.  Help me to see your hand at work in my life and may I not be a stumbling block for those around me.  May I always point them directly to you.  Thank you, Jesus that you are not finished with me yet.  That you are continually transforming me to be more like you every day.  I thank you for the pain. I thank you for this time to refocus my priorities.  May my priorities be led and managed by you and may your will and way be clear to me like a lighted path.  Help me to follow your direction and guidance with unfettered obedience.  This is new territory for me and I lay down my desires so you can give me your desires.

So, today, after I took my pain pills, I knew I had about 45 minutes before I would feel the need to lie down.  I was feeling slightly better, so I started to clean off my couch and coffee table.  It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things get piled up and especially when I’m not feeling well.  I want everything close to me, so I keep piling things higher and higher.  

As I was going through the junk mail and papers piled high, I found prayer card after prayer card from the women in my small group.  I found birthday cards to others that I never mailed out.  Letters I never responded to.  Books I hadn't read in over a month.  Many things were lost in the shuffle and forgotten. 

On one trip to the kitchen to throw a pile of old magazines away, I looked over at my piano and had a desire to play for the first time in about a year.  Then I saw what song the book was open to, “Our God Reigns”.  I am so out of practice, but there was joy in playing the piano again and singing praises to my God.  It was a special moment because despite this trial, my God does reign.  He gave me the desire to play the piano.  He gave me this piano for FREE.  He loves the music even though the piano needs tuned and my singing isn't great either.  He doesn't need me to sound as good as the worship team at church, He just appreciates the effort and time spent worshiping him.  

Thank you, Jesus that I don’t need to be perfect with you.  You take my offering as it is, no matter how off key I sing or how out of tune my instrument sounds.  To you, it is beautiful music.  

30 Day Challenge - Day 4

My dear sister-in-law, Linda, took such good care of me!  She was the one to take me to the ER last night and today, she took me to get my prescriptions and to the grocery.  Praise God - my prescriptions cost $8 total and my grocery bill was small enough to pay cash.  It's amazing how little I need when I'm only focused on buying the essentials!

I think I did a little too much walking at the grocery, but at least I was moving a little.  My back hurts still and it is very difficult to walk or stand up from a sitting position.  I can’t pick up heavy objects (over 5 pounds) and I can’t stretch to reach things.  But, I was very thankful that I was able to shower today.  In my shower, I thanked God that I don’t have any broken bones, that I can raise my hands over my head, and that I can stand long enough to clean up.  Another huge praise, I got out of bed in less than 5 minutes AND I managed to get both socks on in about 10 minutes or so.  We are making progress! J   God is good!

Linda was sharing a story about a friend of hers that is going through a really hard trial in her life.  She was saying how everything lined up for God to make the problem go away, but at the last minute – it didn't.  Linda said the most profound thing.  There must be some reason that this trial wasn't taken away from her.  She needs to just praise God for this trial and through this trial. 

That really resonated with me.  I think she is correct.  I need to praise God through this trial, even if I’m not seeing healing immediately.  After our retreat, I felt like God would heal me immediately just like Sharon’s husband Dale or her mother.  Then again, her mother didn't heal completely, she just didn't die.  Jesus, I trust you through this trial.  I thank you for all the people praying for me and I thank you for your love and strength to get through this together.  I am also thankful for pain meds.  J

I just read the passages of scripture today and realize that I was so caught up in the activities of the past few days I forgot to journal about the verses!  I am drowning in God’s love right now.  The fact that my mom was willing to drive here from Ohio to help me, and Linda spent 2 hours in the ER with me after spending all day in court with a friend of hers, and my brother was willing to do whatever was needed to help me.  The women in my small group are praying for me.  God, I thank you for showing me that it’s OK to ask for help (even though I didn’t exactly ask for help).  I thank you for helping me to see your work in all of this.  I thank you for giving me pain meds to ease the intensity of the pain.  I thank you for letting me find a doctor that can see me in the next 10 days.  I thank you that I was in and out of the hospital in 2 hours!  That’s a miracle!  I thank you that I can still walk, sit, and shower.  I thank you that you are with me even now.  I thank you for this back pain to make me slow down.  I thank you for showing me that I need to rest.  I thank you for showering me with resources to grow closer to you.  The Lord’s Table, Sharon’s 30 day challenge, Jesus Calling, THE BIBLE, and all the devotions you’ve given me through email.  God, you are good.  And your love endures forever.  I am worthy.  I am valued.  I am loved.  (((HUGS))) to you, Jesus!  J

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

When I got up at 2:30 a.m. this morning, I saw that one of my friends had texted me at 10:30 p.m. the night before to ask how my hip was feeling.  At the time of her text, I was in bed and physically unable to get out.  I was thanking God that he put my pain on her mind because I know she prayed for me.  She had no idea what happened, but God did and he was already putting people in my life to pray for healing!

As I said in my last post, I did post a prayer request in our small group at 2:30 a.m. because I know we have early risers and I figured the earlier the prayers start the better for me.  We fondly refer to each other as prayer warriors because the prayers are so powerful, I can literally feel them.  

The gal who had texted me about my hip the night before called me around lunchtime and gently told me for the ump-teenth time that I need to see an Orthopedist (she has been patiently telling me this for 11 months when I first hurt my hip).  

Then, I talked to my manager and his wife had back pain so I emailed her to ask what she did to seek help.  She said I should see an Orthopedist to get pain management or physical therapy.  

A few hours later, I called my mom and she said that I needed to go see a doctor, not just my chiropractor.  Ok, Lord, I get it!  I remembered my primary care physician gave me a list of Orthopedists, but I had no idea where it was.  I slowly climbed the stairs to my room and praise Jesus the list was on TOP of the pile on my filing cabinet! J

Dear Lord, please give me the wisdom to find the right doctor that will see me tomorrow.  I pray that I will find a testing center that will give me an MRI or X-rays (which ever are needed) quickly!  And Lord Jesus just to cover every detail, I pray that they will all be covered by insurance and I won’t have to pay much, if anything, out of pocket.  Thank you!

7 p.m. update:  My mom called my brother.  My brother called me and told me that I should have called him (he lives 15 minutes away) and he encouraged me to go to the Emergency Room.  I hesitated, but finally agreed.  Praise the Lord, they got me in very quickly and I was out of there in about 2 hours.  The diagnosis is a muscle spasm.  I received a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and 2 pain meds.  The pharmacy was closed, but I'll get the meds tomorrow.  No tests were performed and no money out of pocket yet!

30 Day Challenge - Day 2

Today I woke up exhausted.  I went to the early Sunday service because I had to help with the little kids at the 11 a.m. service.  God provided super-natural energy to get me through the day and He blessed us well-behaved kids.  As an added bonus, He allowed me to meet with a friend in need after church.  God is good. 

I came home after church and went for a 45 minute walk.  It was glorious outside.  I even ran 4 blocks!  When I got back, I sat down and iced my back – as a precautionary measure.  I talked to my mom and then a friend on the phone.  The last thing I did before I showered was to tell my small group leader that I would type up my notes from the retreat so she could send them out to our small group.  Then I went upstairs to take a shower.  I decided to lift my 5 pound dumb bells and get some arm exercises in. 

At some point during the evening (before or after my shower), I had changed my password.  As an IT security professional, I know that we should never disclose our passwords, but this is an exception because it plays directly into what's going on in my life.  I use a pass-phrase, which allows a longer password.  Part of it says, “Thank God for Healing.” 

After my shower, I came back downstairs and sat down to do The Lord’s Table Bible study (a Biblical weight loss program).  However, as I was sitting there, my back started hurting more and more.  It got so bad, I couldn't sit any longer.  I had to stand.  I could barely get myself up off the couch.  Then I went to pick up my laptop that weighs between 5-7 pounds.  I dropped it.  Thankfully not far, but I must have hurt my back when I lifted those 5 pound dumb bells! 

Immediately, I recognized this was spiritual warfare.  The ONLY thing I can think of is that I agreed to type up the notes from the retreat to share with our group.  I was also praying some powerful prayers for friends that are going through difficult times in their life. 

In every way possible, I was proclaiming in the name of Jesus, praising Jesus, casting out Satan and His demons, and accepting God’s spirit of healing.  I thought of what friend had shared that when she felt a spirit suppressing her at home, she finally had the courage to command it to leave in Jesus' name.  Yet, she didn't think to protect her children.  She felt like the spirit must have left her and tormented her daughter.  I wondered if I was able to release my friends that I was praying over earlier and the spirits were angry enough to torment me in the only way they could.

I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. because all I could think of was laying horizontally.  I wasn't tired, but I knew that I couldn't lay on the couch because I wouldn't be able to get up.  Going to bed helped alleviate the pain.  But, I could hear my cat downstairs knocking things over and acting like a spaz, I wondered again if that was spiritual warfare!  So I was praying for him and casting out whatever was tormenting him (he’s usually lazy).  At 2:30 a.m., I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get out of bed.  I was in so much pain and no matter how I moved, it HURT.  I cried, I begged Jesus to help.  30 minutes later, I was out of bed.  Going to the bathroom was another painful experience.  Getting back into bed was painful.  I had the where-with-all to turn off my alarm and grab my cell phone.  If my alarm went off, there is no way I could get to it in less than 30 minutes!!  So, I took the time to post a prayer request in my small group.  I fell back asleep and woke up around 7 a.m.  I was still in pain, and again, I couldn't get out of bed. 

I have been praising God, reading my 30 day challenge verses, praying, and taking Advil.  No relief yet.  I will keep P.U.S.H.ing (pray until something happens).

30 Day Challenge - Day 1

The New Hope Women’s Retreat ended today.  We met at Skycroft in Middletown, Maryland.  It was a beautiful location!  The time away seemed to fly by, but our speaker, Sharon Glasgow gave us a lot of information in a short period of time. 

Her 30 day challenge was to read John 17: 20-26, Ephesians 1: 15-23, and Ephesians 3:14-21 and also fast from something for 30 days.  I remember previously doing this with my small group and just being amazed at what God revealed through these verses.  

• Jesus' last will and testament before he was crucified was to pray for me. (John 17:20)
• God loves me with the same love that he loves his son, Jesus. (John 17:26)
• The same power that God used to raise Jesus from the dead is available to believers. (Eph. 1:19-20)
• Jesus fills all my needs in every way. (Eph. 1:23)
• Jesus' love for us is unfathomable. (Eph. 3:17-19)
• God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power (that same power that raised Jesus from the dead!) that is at work within us. (Eph. 3:20)

Not only that, but Sharon taught us so much!  She taught us that we have power in the name of Jesus to do great and mighty things!  John 14:12-14 says that we will do even greater things than what Jesus performed during His ministry and that whatever we ask in His name we will receive!  WOW!  I am excited to see what God will do and I will pray as to what I need to fast from.

Thank you, Jesus, for already answering so many prayers this weekend!  The few ladies who were uncertain of attending decided to come – and later determined that Satan was attempting to keep them away!  We learned so many lessons on how to fight viciously! 

Jesus also answered the prayer for safe travels and good weather!  One woman who got in an accident on the way to the retreat arrived shaken, but uninjured!  We were able to have the bonfire because it wasn't raining as forecasted!  God, you are good!

I'm Not Who I Was

Today, I was reminded that what I've done in the past never really goes away. I have been learning so much and trying to give all my focus to God. Every morning, I pour my heart out to Him and ask Him for guidance, wisdom and the ability to love others like He loves me.

Yet, old friends know the old me. They bring up things that the old me would have enjoyed. They remind me that the old me existed. Unfortunately, they announce my old habits to my new friends.

So, I've been struggling tonight. I will go out on a limb here and admit that I talk to myself (sad, but true). I had 5 "mock" conversations where I was either trying to explain my actions to my new friends, trying to explain to my old friends that I've changed, trying to explain to other old friends that I wasn't lying - with God's help, I am changing.

Then I realized as I cut up veggies for homemade salsa (YUM!) I was trying to control a situation I had no control over. What's done is done. I have to give this to God. He owns my past, present, and future. I know I haven't consistently lived in a way that honors Him and brings Him joy. Thankfully, He loves me regardless of my past! It is only by His grace, forgiveness and unconditional love that I am the person I am now.

I have to give up control because if someone is going to judge me for what I've done in the past, they weren't a real friend to begin with. If God ordains it, nothing I say or do is going to jeopardize it. He can change someone's heart in an instant.

Here is an awesome video of "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath. These are real people who have been changed too! God is good! :)

                          

"The thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about"
- "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath

Extreme Measures

I am blessed that God understands me. He is patient with me. He knows (oh, how He knows), that I need to hear repeatedly that He wants me to do something before I make an attempt to do it. On one hand, I do want confirmation that it is God leading me to make a change in my life. On the other hand, it is pure stubbornness.

In my never-ending quest to get my finances in order, I see the glory and joy of giving. I see how even if I can’t go (or am not called to go) to far-away places to minister to others, I can be a part of the ministry by supporting them financially or donating items. I want to give my income away. God has blessed me with everything I need and I want to do this for others.

Yet, poor financial decisions in the past have left me strapped with several large debts. For years, I have been following Dave Ramsey’s book, “Total Money Makeover” to attempt to live like no one else (frugal), so one day I will live like no one else (financially independent). It is so simple and logical, yet it is challenging. He provides reasons we believe certain money myths that seem to be widely accepted. Then he challenges the wide path, “If debt is normal, I want to be WEIRD.” I’m sure on many levels, I've already succeeded in this feat, but I want to be financially weird too!

Last week, I was analyzing my budget and looking for ways to cut back my spending. I found a few quick fixes, but to be honest, some of the cuts seemed a bit harsh. I used to justify my budget by saying, “Anything is possible if you budget for it!” This is true, but what are my priorities? Where is my treasure being built? Why can’t I contribute the amount of money I want to for good causes?

Matthew 6:21 (NIV) For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

There was only 1 thing in my budget that stood out like a sore thumb. My cable bill. I figured it was because I gave TV up for Lent. It would have been nice to cut the bill while I wasn't watching it. Trying to be sensitive to what God is saying to me, I was praying for direction on whether or not He was actually leading me to give up TV. One day, I was driving to work and praying about this. Not 10 minutes later, the radio station told the story of a couple that gave up TV over 10 years ago and they claimed it was the best decision they made next to getting married! Really, Jesus? Really???

I attempted to look up the article online when I got to work, but I couldn't find it. So, I took a chance and emailed the DJ to ask for the link. Before I sent the email, I asked God for a prompt reply because I’m sure they are busy. Within 5 minutes, I had a response from the actual DJ with the link in my inbox. He wished me luck. *Gulp*

As a result, I am praying about giving up TV for good. At least for now. I hope it’s not forever, but that is up to God. This process started small and just grew exponentially. It started out as a sacrifice for Lent. 40 days, I could do that. Plus, I had so many things that needed my attention and it seemed like a logical sacrifice once it came to mind. The first few days flew by because I was being so productive. I was getting more sleep, finishing tasks, and really focusing on my goals for 2012. Then God started working on my heart somewhere in week 2-3. I believe that is what Lent is all about, focusing on our depravity and realizing our need for a Savior. Who would have thought that TV was the hindrance from this knowledge?

During the 4th Sunday of Lent, God smacked me upside the head. I realized that watching TV was making me want things I didn't have. Within 6 hours of watching TV as my “celebration day"*, I was devastated that I was single, and modeling the romance I desired after an affair in one of my favorite shows. WHAT?!?!? I immediately deleted that show from my DVR and went to bed. I don’t know if I dreamed about the show or just woke up thinking about it, but it was on my mind immediately this morning. I felt like I had taken 5 steps backwards since Sunday morning. Could TV really have that much impact on my life?

I never stopped praying about this because I think I knew the answer but I was afraid to take the final step to cut the ties. The last straw was when a close friend posted a question on Facebook about Roku boxes as an alternative to cable. Ok, Ok, I hear you, Lord. Four confirmations were enough, my cable service has been cancelled.

I look forward to that day where I don’t have to skimp and save to be generous to supporting God’s work. For now, I choose to follow Jesus’ guidance by listening for His still, small voice and fixing my eyes on Him. I know that He will continue to provide for all my needs and help me to become weird(er)!

*Sunday's are considered "celebration days" during Lent to celebrate Jesus' resurrection.  Whatever was sacrificed for Lent can be enjoyed on this day as a celebration for the victory that Jesus had over death.