Leave Light

Every choice matters.

This life lesson popped up repeatedly the past few months.  Public figures not filtering their words while speaking to media or personally ruining their reputation by posting insensitive words for the world to read.

Right before Christmas, I went to a memorial service for a teenager that died in a preventable accident.  Every choice matters.

The memories spoken were remarkably the same from so many young people, which confirmed the impact he had on everyone present.
"He was my best friend."  
"He was like a brother to me."  
"His positive energy/joy/peace/enthusiasm for life would change the atmosphere in the room."  
"He made me laugh."  
"He brightened my day when I was sad."  
"He gave the best hugs!" 
"I knew I could call him at 3 a.m. and he would be there for me."  
"I didn't know him well, but it sounds like from what everyone else said, I should have gotten to know him better."  

As for me, I met his mom twice at church, but I had never officially met him.  But from what I heard, I should have.

Time and again, the youth sharing their memories would add,
"I'm not religious, but he loved me and told me about God/church/youth group."  
"He encouraged me when I was bullied for my faith."  
"I feel like this many people showed up because they loved him.  I normally wouldn't talk in front of this many people, but I can tell there is no judgement here."

The impact this teenager had was far-reaching.  Even after he went to be with Jesus, he was changing lives.  One friend said that he always invited them to go to church, but they never went.  Guess what?  They were in church that night at the memorial service.  Another one said that while he wasn't religious, the day after the accident he lit a candle to honor his friend.  He wrote, "Leave Light" on the candle.  The young man who's life we were celebrating confidently shared his faith without being judgmental.  This teenager left a light shining so bright that all could see - even those that didn't share his beliefs.

Attending any funeral service prompts me to evaluate my life and my impact to those around me.  This time, it was humbling.  This young man was only 18 years old and his impact was deep and wide.  He touched classmates that had never set foot inside of a church.  He treated everyone as if they were the only person in the room.  He forgave others when they snubbed him and welcomed them to his group of friends years later.  He made everyone around him feel as if they mattered.

Then I look at my circle of influence.  At church, I let myself get involved with others.  I let others in and pray for them and actively get involved in their circumstances.  I know when they are having a bad day or when they are really struggling with life.  I know that when they pull away, they need someone to send that text that says, "I love you and I'm praying for you."

Outside of church, my track record isn't that great.  Until recently, I didn't have time to reach my friends that don't go to church because I was over-committed.  When I reached a breaking point, God re-prioritized everything and directed me where I needed to focus my time and energy to be more effective.

At work... I ashamed of my actions there.  I get frustrated with some people there.  More often than not, I get caught up and participate in office gossip.  I get annoyed when people ask me for things.  What kind of light am I shining?  The "if you aren't in my circle of friends, I can't be bothered with your problems" light?  Or "I'm a caring/loving/compassionate person at church, but at work I'm too busy for you" light?  What if there is no light shining at all?

I strive to be honest when I write here because I don't want anyone reading this to think that I have it all together or that I have all the answers.  I write because it helps me to process situations and learn about myself.  I also feel like it helps me to discern what God wants me to do.  It helps me to dig deep, perform the root cause analysis of my current situation, or understand God's truth.  I love Jesus, but I have to continually work at this to even come close to getting it right.  I am a work in progress.  I am training to be more like Jesus.

Just like with physical exercise (which I am still having a very difficult time making it a routine) I have to make the choice daily to seek God.  I could easily go an entire day, week, month, year, or decade without praying or reading the Bible.  But without both of those critical tools, my spiritual health degrades rapidly.

This boy, only 18 years old, made a decision (or possibly several decisions) one night that resulted in his death.  He never intended on dying that night, but there were consequences to his choices.

I make bad decisions all the time.  I'm not bragging about any of this - honestly, it's humiliating.  Again, I am attempting to be honest and transparent.  I yell curse words at drivers that cut me off.  I glare at people in the grocery store that get in my way.  I waste time at work doing anything except my assigned tasks.  I get annoyed with people entirely too frequently.

Every choice matters.  My back pain is increasing and now bothers me when I stand too long.  Before, it only hurt when I sat too long.  Again, this goes back to needing to exercise, but it is so easy to hit the snooze button in the morning and sleep through the extra minutes needed to fit in a walk before my shower.  With the news of this young man's death due to a few choices he made on a normal evening, I realized that I don't know why God is telling me to get up early and walk.  I just know that He did tell me to do it.  I need to obey.  I need to obey willingly and immediately.  My time here is limited.  I need to make the most of every opportunity.  I can't let a moment slip by without pleasing Him.  Living for Him.  Honoring Him.  Praising Him.  Obeying Him.  Loving Him.

Jesus, please help me leave light.  Please help me not to get so busy that I can't care for others.  Please let me to treat everyone with love and compassion, regardless of how they treat me.  May I shine love, joy, and peace to all those around me.  May I speak freely about my relationship with you and point others to you without judgement.  Please help me to obey you even when I don't understand.  Please help me to get up early each morning and walk, using that time to enjoy your creation and speak to you in prayer.  Thank you for your mercy and forgiveness when I do mess up.  Thank you for loving me with unconditional love.  Thank you for leaving light for us to follow.  

May I remember that every choice matters.  

I choose to leave light.  

Catching Up (or falling behind)

I apologize for not wrapping up all the wonderful things that God has done in my life last year and this year.  There is no way I'll remember everything, but I'm going to start with the big items and God will have to fill in the rest.

My back is healed, praise Jesus!  That was the most excruciating experience of my life.  I now have a lifelong prescription of exercise to prevent it from happening again.  What's ironic is that I should be overjoyed that I don't have to take any medicine to feel better.  I just have to get outside, enjoy God's creation, and move my body.  However, this year I have been battling with myself to do this.  I have walked some, but it was only when the pain was increasing daily.  As soon as the pain went away, I stopped walking again.

God was convicting me more and more.  I finally confessed my sin of laziness and procrastination and asked God to help me wake up early to walk before work.  The next morning, I woke up even more tired than the night before.  This lasted for a week!  Then I came down with a nasty cold that sapped every ounce of energy I had.  After 2 weeks of pure exhaustion, congestion, and countless tissue boxes - I became angry.  I asked God, "Why did you let this happen when I was finally ready to obey you?"  His gentle response was, "You didn't exercise when you were healthy either."  Lord, I am still struggling with this, please help me to go out for a walk daily!

The other late breaking news for 2013 is a new My One Word.  Initially, I chose Focus.  I believe I blogged on that, so you know my reasons for picking that fine word.  However, God distinctly gave me another word.  Soon after I chose Focus and published my one word on (www.myoneword.org), one of my dear friends and mentors changed her word.  *gasp*  Changing your word after publishing it?? Are we allowed to do such a thing??  Duh.  Yes.

The word God initially gave me (before Focus) was Faith.  However, after all the craziness of 2012, I thought, "I don't need more faith.  I trust God to take care of me and to supply all my needs.  What I need is more FOCUS so I can finish things I start."  However, the word "Faith" kept coming back to me, especially after I realized I could change my word!

I kept praying because I wasn't going to change my word unless God confirmed it.  Oh, did He!

1. Several close friends were sharing their current life situations with me and I kept thinking that all they needed was a little faith!  Why were they giving up so easily?  Didn't they know that a miracle could be right around the corner?  Didn't they know that we serve a big God?  Didn't they know, "We can do everything through Christ, who gives us strength"?  (Philippians 4:13)

THEN, I had a brilliant idea!  I was going to pick "Faith" for my word so I could have faith for my friends!  How humble!  How self-less!  Right??

Not two seconds later, God put me in my place.  He reminded me exactly where I was lacking Faith in my life.  My hair loss.  Yes, you read that right.  I am a 30-something female and losing my hair.  God immediately gave me this verse:

Matthew 17:20 (NLT) "You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them.  "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain,'Move from here to there,' and it would move.  Nothing would be impossible."

I will not be posting a picture of it, but please trust me that this hair loss is noticeable.  My scalp shows through, there is a significant amount of space between my hair, and a lot of hair comes out in the shower.  Only a few people have ever dared to confront me about it and I was crushed when they did.  It is humiliating.  For years, I refused to talk about it.  It was staring everyone in the face, but I was in 100% denial that it was there.  I was so ashamed and tried everything in my power to fix it.  I've gone to the determatologist, checked hormone levels through blood tests, used Rogaine, massaged my scalp, and even stopped straightening and blow drying my hair.

2. Then, God's next lesson in the search for my one word.  "Focus" relies on my effort.  "Faith" relies on God's effort.  

It has been so hard for me to trust God about losing my hair.  In most areas where I've trusted Him, He has answered my prayers in a relatively quick fashion. If the prayer wasn't answered completely, I would at least see some progress.  Not so with my hair.  If one month it seemed to be growing back, the next month it all seemed to shed at the same time and I feel like I'm starting all over again.

3. Finally, God revealed the last confirmation on my new word for 2013. Which was another very true, and sobering reality - my hair loss is a visible flaw because I try so hard to hide all my other flaws.  Please know that just writing those words hurts.  It is not something I would have ever come up with on my own.  It literally made me flinch when the thought ran through my mind, but the depth of the truth it held made me stop and face it.

I realized that just like I was trying to hide my hair loss, I had a hard time admitting my weaknesses to others.  As if I could somehow keep them in the dark.  But, I slowly began talking to people about my hair.  I returned to a former hair dresser that didn't make me feel rediculous for trying Rogaine.  I talked to my mom about my feelings and what God was teaching me.  Then, when it was time to start discussing our one words for 2013 in our small group, I stepped out in FAITH and told my small group about it.  A few kind women said they hadn't noticed before.  Regardless, I know that I was the one truly in denial.  I know it was visible and I was the one trying to hide it.

Amazingly, ever since I've been more open about it, I don't notice it as much anymore.  It was as if my hair loss had a hold on me.  I was drowning in shame and I had no idea.  All it took was talking about it.  By speaking about something humiliating, I was able to shed God's light on it and remove the power of darkness that it held over me.  I faced my fear of people seeing my scalp and then talking about it behind my back.  As soon as it was brought to light, my fears faded away.  If I am talking about it to them, why would I care if they talk about it behind my back?

God, in His goodness, gave me Joel 2:25 as a promise.  I don't normally pray over Bible verses, especially when the promise is something completely unrelated to my circumstances.  But when this verse popped into my head, I prayed it one Sunday morning.  I didn't know the reference at the time, but I prayed, "Lord, please restore the years the locusts have eaten."  On my way to church, I saw a license plate that said, "JOEL225".  I immediately remembered the verse that I prayed and I knew!  I checked as soon as I was parked and sure enough, it was my verse from earlier that morning!  Here is what it says:

Joel 2:25 (NIV)  "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten - the great locus and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm." 

Now, I don't know why God lists 4 different kinds of locusts (neither did my Bible footnotes), but I do know that God meant that He would restore what has been taken away.  My hair is growing back in.  While I don't have a think luscious head of hair, I am seeing progress.  Faith doesn't guarantee instant results.  Faith involves handing over control to God to fulfill His promises - in His time.  Therefore, I will keep praying and thanking God for restoring what the locusts have eaten.

If I have FAITH as small as a mustard seed, I can say to this mountain (a.k.a. hair loss), 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing is impossible with God.

Does something in your life have you held down by shame?  

Have you tried bringing it to the light by sharing it with someone else?  

Will you consider taking your small seed of Faith and move some mountains with me?

Please share your thoughts (or mountains) below in the comments!  I would love to hear from you!